I’m in the early phases of writing my first book and am finding it to be an incredibly transformative cauldron, revealing all of my patterns of distraction, resistance, and overwhelm. I’ve been cooking in the fears and insecurities, boiling them down and finding myself swimming in a sense of urgency that now is the time.
Now is the time to commit to give myself fully to this process and to what is wishing to be expressed through me.
Now is the time to open myself up and give what’s here as a gift to the world, regardless of whether a handful of people read the book that emerges, or thousands find their way to its pages.
On one level I feel like I have no choice. Now is the time. And yet even so, I am needing everyday, throughout the day, to confront my relationship with commitment.
I ask myself:
- What am I committed to now, above all else?
- What am I truly standing in?
- What am I willing to dedicate and devote my life energy towards?
- What are my life priorities?
In the past, I related with my commitments with a fierce drive and discipline to go for my goals. And yet in that, I also eventually ran myself into the ground, dropping into a deep chronic fatigue that came and went for years. I’ve emerged on the other side of that healing and growth to no longer be able to hold myself with that kind of orientation around commitment.
What I knew as commitment then was rigid, single focused, and unconscious to how I was feeling and experiencing my life as a whole. It was about the achievement ahead, the task to master, the long list of “shoulds” that I had created for myself to get to where I thought I needed to be.
My whole being screams, “No!” to that orientation now. I literally can’t operate like that anymore. I don’t have it in me.
And so the experiment that I’m living into (and have been for a while now), is what does commitment and dedication look like outside of that strict approach?
I know it is not about swinging to the other extreme. I’ve done that. I’ve had periods of very little focus on anything that would be considered productive or future oriented. I relished in sleeping in, going for long walks, spending lots of time preparing yummy food. I appreciated the spaciousness of those times, and the loving nourishment of those ingredients in my life. And yet, beyond it being a time for restorative healing, a central piece of what brings me into contact with the heart of my own aliveness and sense of thriving in life was missing.
- What is that missing piece?
- What does a clear commitment bring?
- What does aligning with our authentic truth and inner guidance reveal?
In standing in the fire of the kind of commitment I’m facing with my book right now, I feel my unique contribution to life, to being a part of something larger than myself. And it is not about the book itself, or any form for that matter.
The impulse to create, to put something out there in the world to be received, feels akin to a bud bursting open into a glorious flower. No matter who sees that flower, there is an innate celebration of life expressing itself, simply in the process of blossoming.
As I’m looking in the mirror now, I see myself finding the courage and strength within to step up and plant my feet firmly in the “Yes!”.
I may feel scared. I may feel daunted. And I can’t think of anything that feels more enlivening to me right now than to say yes to stay in the fire of my commitment.
I feel like I’m learning to root into an internal balance point as I navigate a sharp edge. I’m finding grace in the awkward movement.
Most importantly in standing in the fire of my “Yes!”, I’m experiencing a sense of relief. It’s like I’m shedding and releasing layers of armor that I did not know I even had. I feel free!
This kind of commitment is the most life affirming, life giving choice I can imagine I could ever take. It is about aligning completely and wholely with what brings me alive. It is about serving life itself.
So what does it take to stay dedicated and focused on this kind of commitment?
Here’s a list of what arises for me in this moment:
- Continuing to listen for my deeper truth underneath the distractions and avoidance patterns.
- Staying present to feeling my fears, insecurities, and doubts and holding them as a doorway to birth what I’m here to be offering.
- Dancing with what emerges; remaining curious, flexible and adaptive to my commitment as I allow it to evolve right along with me.
- Tuning in to what brings me alive, and allowing that to guide me as an orienting principle.
- Holding myself with gentle, nourishing, loving care as I stand in the fire.
- Remembering I am not in this alone! Reaching out and asking for relational support, whether it be professional, communities of practice, family, or friends is absolutely essential to staying in alignment with my commitments.
- Creatively surrounding myself with constant reminders of my priorities and focus – quotations, paintings, audio talks, books, photos, calendar alarms, and more…
- Nourishing the full spectrum of what brings me alive in life – playtime, walks in nature, yummy food, restful sleep, loving connections with others, and more…
- Shaking myself awake (and maybe having a dance party!) when I witness myself becoming stuck in seriousness or a rigid idea of what it is I’m “supposed” to be doing.
What would you add to this list?
What are you choosing to commit to, prioritize, and dedicate your life energy towards?
Add your comments below!
